hot nerd

November 14, 2007

Dear Hot Nerd-

 I don’t know how to talk to you.

When you scooted closer to me at the party, I think you were trying to show me that you were interested. You asked me something about how I liked living here.  I think. I’m not even sure I was listening. Then I got scared and left. Not just the chair I was in, but the party. That’s how nervous I was.

 The only contact (ha! contact!) we’ve had since then has been me staring at you dreamily during staff meetings.

 Until today. It was perfect. You were waiting by the copy machine. You were next in line and I was right behind you! I smiled. You smiled. You said, “How’s it going?” I said, “Good. How are you?” Boring, I know, but we talked! Yay us! Then you turned back around. All I could think of to say was, “Have any plans for Thanksgiving?” Which I only said in my head, thank God.

Not that I don’t love staring at the back of your neck, but could we sometime soon actually have a conversation? Maybe over dinner? Let me know. Give me a wink during the next staff meeting.

 Yours-

Pants

Candy Corn

November 6, 2007

Dear Candy Corn,

How do I begin describing my love for you? That orange, yellow, and white color scheme brings a jolt of glee when i first see you in early October each year. “Candy corn season has arrived! Huzzah!” I cheer quietly to myself. I think i actually gasped allowed when i saw a bowl full of your delightful sweetness at the reception desk. I may have even shoved a handful of you in my pocket in addition to the fistful I devoured immediately. What makes you so tasty? Is it the natural honey flavoring? Is it the satisfaction of three different (albeit only slightly) flavors of your three different layers, being bitten off one by one? I realized that you do remind me of a solidified version of frosting, which may explain my pleasure in consuming you en masse, since i’ve been known to eat frosting from the jar with nothing but a spoon and a smile. sometimes not even the spoon, if we really want to get specific.

Seeing a bag of you marked down to 75% off in CVS yesterday was a bright and shining moment for me, combining my love of thrift with my love of candy corn in a holy union. I tore you open immediately and proceeded to destroy what’s left of my teeth by eating a lunch solely composed of you, candy corn. So what if you were one of the last bags, and possess a higher-than-average rate of misshapen corns? so what if december finds me with four new cavities?  so what if many of the white tips have broken off and looking down into the bag is reminiscent of into a bag of children’s teeth? (ok, that one is actually a little disturbing) I took a peek at your nutritional label, though, candy corn, and unlike the horror that befell me when i caught sight of the fat content for the hershey’s nuggets i’d been pounding for my other two meals of the day, you have no fat, my harvest-time friends. What more could a girl ask?

love,

scrappy