you’re killing me

December 6, 2007


 Listen up, cuties. Maybe this is my fault. I haven’t been clear enough? You aren’t sure what my expectations are?

 Here is a list of things that you may not, for any reason, do:

eat your shirt

eat the trophy

smack someone’s forehead

glue the scissors

swordfight with pencils

tap me on the shoulder ten billion times while I ignore you

scream, “Teacher!!!!!” when I have just reminded you to raise your hand silently

climb up the slide

hide in the corner all day and then ask to be my helper (what are you going to help me do? learn how to be an expert corner-hider?)

put your hands in someone else’s lap

follow me around

sit under the table when you’re mad at me

 say, “Oh, no you di’n’t!” You’re five!!

call someone a hoochie

laugh maniacally while I’m talking.

Here are the things that I insist you keep doing:

bring me presents (what’s better than tangerines and candy canes? um…nothing!)

tell me how pretty I am

tell me funny, secret stories about your family

make up outrageous things that will never happen (in a week, you’re going to have 16 sisters and 20 brothers? seriously?)

give me hugs for no good reason.

Are we clear? I pretty much adore every last one of you. I know that each of you is capable of learning (and acting human) and it’s upsetting to not see you trying to do either. If you don’t let me help you now, your life will be so tough.

 No one wants to see a 30 year old man eating his clothes.


Miss Pants


2 Responses to “you’re killing me”

  1. scrappy Says:

    lovelovelove! oh, pantaloons. the hoochie thing… laughed out loud. and continue to do so. heart. i like how you contrast the awful things about being in charge of a room full of children with the absolutely divine things. especially being told you’re pretty. cause you are, and you should hear it.

  2. pardonme? Says:

    Those kiddos should have some winter books coming their way soon. The first time I mailed the package I failed to put any ship to address. The second time I posted it, I forgot the apartment number. So, third time’s a charm and if all goes as planned the books might be there before Spring.
    I hope there will be pictures of your kids to see at Christmas.


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