peanut butter

November 30, 2007

Dear Jif© reduced fat peanut butter,

Ok, sucker. usually a jar of your super-sweetened ass lasts me about six months. lately, though, its been more like three weeks. I had to buy another jar this monday, as a matter of fact, and i keep you by my desk to get me through the rough/boring times. mostly, i read somewhere that jessica biel, my arch nemesis (along with the other evil jessica, alba) and beauty goddess, eats slices of apple coated with your creamy self, and thought, well, if she gets to eat you, then so do i.  the sadness started at about 4:45 this afternoon,  when, while lowering my spoon into your jar for another dollop (shut the fuck up), i noticed that you were nearing half-empty.

that’s half, my friend. 50% consumed in the matter of three days.

ho-ly shit.

i don’t blame my emotional eating–i don’t blame my oral fixation–i blame you, you deceptive bastard. “Oh, i’m reduced fat, scrappy! consume me with abandon!” even though i know that you’re just barely reduced fat–only a mere four grams shaved off the fat in a normal dollop of peanut butter. i’m just so conditioned to respond to seeing the phrase “reduced fat” on a product by shoveling said product into my mouth, that reason plays no role in my behavior from there on out.

it’s because of you that my hot jeans don’t fit! not well, at least. i’m still jamming my peanut-buttery ass into ’em every saturday, though, in defiance of your hold on me!

know what? i’m throwing out my peanut butter spoon, the one that sits next to my keyboard,  waiting to be filled with more peanut butter.  you don’t own me any more!




One Response to “peanut butter”

  1. d. pants Says:

    is it unusual that for several years i kept a jar of peanut butter and a spoon next to my bed just in case?

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